little noon thought

I am a path of random destruction, when looked upon from the outside, but from my point of view, everything is in order, and I am creating by rebuilding. In my wake is change, and in my immediate next step is greatness. Power of intention, has me feeling incredible, I do not have a negative thought that I can focus on, it has been too long, since my last freedom. i dont need em.
as if you could kill me without damaging eternity. I'm the entity that keeps the car on the road, im the one that has been chose.  It's me, who is the one they are looking for, so then how can I find that too? Its deep within me, I can already feel you.

go

go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back.

2010 . a few of my status updates from the book.

half now, half later

i'm sitting around waiting for a reply, the only answer needed is the silence that lays quietly by.
i already know, everything i dont want to understand, and everything that i need to do,
it all comes down to the lessons i've learned, and everything i've been through, especially with you.

I try to draw my thoughts, spill my dreams, but the canvas is not big enough, i'm bursting at the seams

I want to read, but the expanse is not deep enough
i want dream, but i have not him REM
I want to live, but I have yet to survive
I want to smoke, but i'm staring at a lonely STEM
I want to crash, but I can't even drive
i want to die, but damn; I'm so ALIVE

I'm running around, trying to run it all down, but every smile i pass, seems to deepen my frown
its not a frown of sadness or discontent, but of reality, the frown of a clown that has realized he is no longer trying to get a laugh, am I just a silent mime now, everyone just walking past.
my input is not as strong as i once thought it should be
but thats the ultimate thought in being free
straight up equality.

ten commandments of mankind

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A GLOBAL HUMANISM

(Dr. Rodrigue TREMBLAY)

1- Proclaim the natural dignity and inherent worth of all human beings.

2- Respect the life and property of others.

3- Practice tolerance and open-mindedness towards the choices and life styles of others.

4- Share with those who are less fortunate and mutually assist those who are in need of help.

5- Use neither lies, nor spiritual doctrine, nor temporal power to dominate and exploit others.

6- Rely on reason, logic and science to understand the Universe and to solve life's problems.

7- Conserve and improve the Earth's natural environment—land, soil, water, air and space—as humankind's common heritage.

8- Resolve differences and conflicts cooperatively without resorting to violence or to wars.

9- Organize public affairs according to individual freedom and responsibility, through political and economic democracy.

10- Develop one's intelligence and talents through education and effort.

chief of my tribe

I am the precursor to my fate, I alone realize my potetial seen out in it's truest and most simple form. forget empathy, forget passion, forget fairness and equality, just let the human free, and it will all flow. You will have followers and be amongst leaders. you lead your tribe, you are the chief, the interpreter between the needs of your tribes thoughts and how that is received by the outside world.
we are not a tribe of warriors, but we will fight for what is ours, we are not a tribe of hunters, but we will do what we need to do to eat when we are hungry. we are not a tribe of passion or elusion. we are the tribe of presence, having the ability to better your day in some way. we are a tribe of shifters, adapting and blending, what we have you will also have. we will survive, its the other mental tribes we worry about.

be the flow, dont go with it

we look to others for satisfaction, what about the deeper interaction. the feeling thAt comes from deep, the voice that always seems to know. why not just go. be the flow, don't go with it.

sun moon language

there are things I know, and things I understand, but what i really know are the things i can not understand, when you give an emotion or intuitive notion a name, it takes away from the power of the given change of mental state. things clearly exist in harmony without needing a classification of whatever it is you are trying to give a name to. Ideas, emotions, and thoughts all exist on a world where we cannot completely fathom the connectedness of what we are doing right now with the people we meet. we must aknowledge the fact that there is a viration that is rising, no more will people have to suffer in another's reality. it will be exactly as  you make it there will be nothing holding you back except for yourself. the things you know you must accept and hold true about yourself, there is no way to move forward without freeing the bonds that you know hold you back. become one with not just the idea of everything, but as one universally and fully entitizing amongst all that exists. 
when asking myself who i am, i find myself replying lost amongst myself. who I am and who I be, while separated at times, will always come together in unity.  in the end, its not about who you know or what you know, but how you use the information and treat the people.
for once break yourself down past complex past simple, past complexly simple, and simply complex to the pice of you who you know and quiet too much, the way you perceive is the way you receive. everything in your life was put there because you wanted it, the only thing is that when you arranged it that way, you knew why.

tearing a tear from the torn thorn that turned into a unfixable tear.

this is messing with my head, i dont understand, why is it i can not comprehend the thoughts that go into your actions, the thoughts are like light through a prism with too many infractions, different directions tearing into me, bringing a tear in me. its the kind thats dry, but never stops flowing, my head is sick cause my heart is always knowing. i've been crazy, i've been sane, i'll always have spunk and never be plain, but what about the pain. its not real, its the weakness leaving my body, i know that everything works out the way it was supposed to, but what happens to a life not lived. it is just time spent, rather than time earned, and time has no importance when considering the past or future, because right now is the future. this moment is building up this one.
I have nothing tying me down, except the thoughts i cannot get past. I was convinced this was a friendship that would last. aparently now, it is simply part of my past.

breaking the cacoon.

when i give in to my needs, am i quenching a thirst or am i simply planying more potent seeds? everything can be anything and anything can take over everything.
to induce a state of mind, other than my own, my own when im in my zone,
is to wast a minute, an hour. the experience is usually mostly sour.
Have i killed myself or am i morphing into what i told myself i never would.
was i resisting the prospect of myself or have i somewhere along the way lost what i'm about.
I love to have fun, i love to shout, with drugs my mind is only clouded by doubt.
I will never be able to buy the desired and so sought after high.
that euphoria comes from the ocean, the universe, the sky, deep within this guy.
I am me, me is known, becoming a mystery, i've tried it all and that part of me is history.
  no one will be missing me, missing him, the who is always high, goodbye thoughts that don't even get me by.

i need the help, the help that comes from me, fucck how people think of and percieve me.
only i can fill me and spill thee, i am the cup of life, filling myself, spilling myself.
spending money to ill myself.
i poison my being, decaying natural function, all in conjunction, boredom and pain.
pain is gain as the weakness to refrain. a lesson learned is a day earned.
what i wan can be yearned, i could simply get burned.

*a joint at this point will be a blunt tomorrow but was a bowl from yesterday's sorrow*

touch`e

peer editing. summer '10

you are not a true friend but a blue friend, correcting my emotions with a blue pen, and circling my insecurities with a red one, you drain me mentally and kill all my fun. this is not good for my mental state, i want a new mental slate. who made you teacher, ready to correct me, correct this, nothing is correct, thats correct. but what was there has now left, doesnt matter what was thrown out and what was kept, the dirt is under the rug, its been thoroughly swept, all there is left to do now is to take the next step, but is that on a staircase, or stair stepper, is it a raw steak disguised by pepper, i didnt want to ever read that letter, it was full of letters, put together in a way that tore a hole through my heart, what about the other part, the part where we dont part, but drift together, solidifying our bond, just like james bond, completing each mission, being double O seven, there is no heaven, unless you find it right here, but im here and your there, so my heaven is your hell, unless you come out of your shell, and know that we are together even when we are not, but this is what you have forgot. you think your single, and can be with who you want, when you want it, but be careful that you dont throw it out and flaunt it. that will come back to haunt it. it will start out like a hobbit, and grow and grow, next thing you know, its larger than the troll under the bridge, but if you cross the bridge, it will be the beginning of the end, or the end to what was a beginning, only now you dont know who is actually winning, you think its you, but what do you equal without me?

 you are not a true friend but a blue friend, correcting my emotions with a blue pen, and circling my insecurities with a red one, you drain me mentally and kill all my fun. this is not good for my mental state, i want a new mental slate.

 flirting with death, and teasing everything that has been appeasing, but whats the point if its all going to be leaving. I dont have holes except in my heart, but its a figure of speech this is where it starts. and ends, who needs friends, im complete within myself without the crazy thoughts going thru my head. to me this is already dead. this death put me so far ahead.

monday. june 7th. old thoughts from way back when.

:)

what is it im striving to accomplish

what are my goals, what is it that i want from this timeframe i have been given on earth. i want to see places and be places, know people and have them know me, i want success, but what is success? the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors. what then am I trying to accomplish. i need to live, as freely as possible, within the confines of my own mental structure. i cannot deviate too far from the path or i will continually recieve that which i do not attribute with success. success is life, living, achieving, learning. if i step outside of what i know i must do or not do, i am dead, dying, failing stunting growth, remaining stagnant. cannot become stagnant, must be going towards a greater purpose. everything i do must be directed to a common goal to achieve success

unreachable.

I am in a world where i am unreachable, except to those I want to reach out to. I exist in a reality where I do not exist. I think, therefor, I am, but how can I prove a thought or a conversation to a dimension that we exist in through a paralell plain. one where our actions here, dictate the responses of other individuals by creating their reality with our response to someone elses series of events that creates this reality we think we exist in. we are all part of one thought process, but we forget at times that the ego is the only thing people think exists when it comes to looking through someone's from our own eyes. the ego is what most people think is real, and if that isnt real, but created because of insecurities and feelings of inferiority, then who is to say that the thoughts we have and the mindset we live in is also real? how do you explain a dream, or a thought. what about anything you have ever bought. none of it matters it comes and goes. the only thing thats for real is happiness through positive implications. intention justifies the action.

what is there to say other than the fact that once again, plans have shifted. and while i am not tied down, i have always been in my entire life a continuing cycle of events that lead no where when i try to just go. i end up broke again. this time im going to figure out what it is i'm doing. its hard to write in a conversational way, but thats the way i think. i guess its not really even about anything anymore, its hard to determine what it was i was doing before i was selling weed and wanting to be with ***n** for a while. but the relationship encompassed what i wanted to be, rather than support along my journey. now look at us. we arent. which is fine, its difficult at first to realize just how detatched i can become, espescially when i felt so much. at this point i do not even really find myself that horny. i feel like mushy steel, but at the same time i know there is a girl that will show me what i need to see next. I dont even need a girlfriend right now, but i do need an impartial female perspective into my life. thats what i miss most, is having someone that i know will be there. one thing that goes where i go, is myself, cause wherever i go, there i am. I cannot ever escape myself, and i dont know why i try sometimes, but rather i need to embrace all of my greatness and blow this world out of the water. I am so brilliant, as well as clever and witty. i need to use my intelligence once again, my confidence needs to flow like a stream after melted snow and rain, a river.I am my greatest resource.


then there is the same timeframe different chapter. the lady, the bitch, and the ho.
the lady, was my lady, taught me the best things about myself and exposed the worst. the bitch, just some bitch, but apparently i felt she needed my dick in her. helped me realize how much i hated sex that was completely empty. and the ho. the herpe ho. why did i jump into that, i should have told my lady sooner, but instead i held it inside, fearing that i gave her a disease that wouldnt go away. it was eating at me , during the best times in our relationship. i even let her suck my dick so that she wouldnt suspect anything wrong, i was a sick fuck, with a head full of the negative disease. she is a vibrant soul, but we dont work because she has no tolerance for my lifestyle, one that i hadnt completely understood why or how it had become created, or why it stayed for so long. which was changed, manipulated and redifined. she helped me to see that it doesnt have to be my job to hook people up. i was being used and abused and people saw me as a manipulator. i was just that. i manipulated the situation to benefit me. but as of lately i've been manipulation free. im callin them as i see them, its one big thing that im stuck in. be real be alive, humanity happens all the time.... i am stronger than any drink i can mix.

ELECTRIC FEEL

ooo girl! SHOCK ME LIKE AN ELECTRIC EEL, BABY GIRL! TURN ME ON THE ELECTRIC FEEL

march thoughts. from a valley long long away.

im so fly, all i need is myself to get by. that doesn't mean that i dont want you, but as it turns out we are completely through. you taught me a lot about myself and who I am, but some things wont ever change, like who I am. Who i am is who i gots to be, regardless of how trapped you feel i will always be free. this is because i have something you wish you could achieve, which is not to give a fuck how i am perceived. it all doesnt matter, at the end of the day, so what difference does it make if i work or play. I will always have a good time, doing whatever i do, i sometimes wish however, that i could do it with you. you were my friends, for a really long time, we had some good times, over this, that, and wine. but you know i'm fly so im going to be just fine. i made tremendous strides and sacrafices galore, i even gave up the mentality of a whore. not that the things i gave up were necessarily important, but perhaps now you can do what you have always wanted to do. go find some other dick to screw. i really dont care, im past the point of holding on. just know i am the best thing to happen to you, since you knew what was going on. not trying to be conceited, but ive seen what enters your life, a bunch of crazy bullshit, some guns and a knife. a gun to shoot the shit, thinking that your literally talking about it, but your not, you dont know what your saying, maybe you should live up to what your mouth is spraying. you have had your chance, and you played the part well, but everything you said was going to hell. it didnt make sense. who cares if im a millionaire or just have a few cents. its not about the money, but the happiness that follows, i dont care if you spit or swallow. or do anything that doesnt need to be done. the only thing i know, is that i will always be number one. in a few years, you will look back and wonder why your life is still off track, you try to blame things on me, but thats what happens religiously. when people blame God, for the fucked up shit in their lives. well what about manifestation, thats the only thing that brings things around. everything in your life, you put there. including the feelings you choose not to share. i had planned on sticking around and always being there. not anymore, go fuck yourself, and see if someone cares.

if only we could decide

we have a lot of choices throughout life. one thing we have no say in, is the role we play in someone elses life. the duality of any relationship with anybody. someone very wise said to me that it is easier to bring someone down than to help someone up. i am always the devils advocate, so initially i opposed this thought, but after some reflection, i realized just how right this thought was. we may walk next to someone for a reason other than why that person we are walking with has us walkin next to them, you do not get to decide. recently, i came across an individual that caused a lot of controversy in my life. in my mind, this individual helped me to mess up my life and drive deeper into the ground something that was already going down. said individual however, told me that when we were hanging out i helped keep them off the suicidal path and helped keep their life going smoothly based on everything that was going on in their life. this blew my mind how the same two people could have completely opposite purposes in eachothers life, can exist at the same time.  you will never know what impact you have on someone's life, or the entire extent of it. so be real. there is no time for ego, there is no time to try to maintain someone elses reality. be real and be you, there is only one, and there is a reason for that. you are the missing piece to the puzzle.

forced change

why is it that everytime something is constantly on your mind, seemingly impossible or extremely intricate plans come together with necessary pieces falling into your lap, destined for you to make the most of your situation. this type of thing happens all the time, and reinforces the power of manifestation, however positive or negative, in my life. one particular instance, that opened my eyes to to this type of reality was about a year ago, when the metaphysical seed had just begun to sprout in my being. I had let my friend borrow a movie from me, that wasn't my movie. after about six months of not hearing from my friend i decided i would do whatever it took to track him down. i was thinking about different scenarios and mutual friends to get into contact with him. while i was thinking about this kid so intently, i was walking towards my house and I ran into none other than whom I was seeking. The experience blew my mind and opened my perception to the reality of creating it.  now back to present. I have been planning my next adventure, and at the beginning of the plans, I wanted to bring my car, and live out of it. i also wanted to bring my cell phone just in case as well as some other unnecessary comforts. I also said that in a pinch i would sell my car for 500 bucks. mentally, however; i wanted to take myself out of all of my comfort zones but did not have the strength in myself to pull away from those comforts. once again, my reality has realigned to reflect what i actually need to grow and learn, rather than how i thought i could do something within my own comforts. my car got hit while it was parked. totalled. i recieved 500 dollars for it. my cell phone, which was being paid for by my mom, was shut off recently because of a mis understanding/ power struggle. i did park my car in that spot, and all actions led me to where i am, and blame no one, other than reward myself for the collision of events that actually took me off the grid and put me where deep down i wanted to be, but knew would be difficult to do on my own. as of right now, i am waiting yet again for my next opportunity to take advantage of. I have no permanent address, so permanently address me. I live wherever I be.  My best friend right now is over seas, even though we have had our ups and downs, that is the most real relationship i have ever had with anybody and am extremely excited to hear about stories from abroad, but once again, being taken out of my life was she. for the best all around. this person and i were the biggest cause of eachothers not really failure, but in holding eachother back from extreme successes. i feel like this separation is what we need, because the only thing for sure, is change. i do not want to relationship we had, that one was a fucked up one, but i want to see where our collective knowledge converge instead of diverge. this is my first blog, and i just woke up, but there is many more fleeting realizations about to become part of your reality soon.