dreams, and how they relate.

dreams.
 i realized today that I make connections in my dreams to all the pieces i accumulate ina  day, but what about the info thats in my dreams that i could not know about. last night, or rather the night before since its now five in the morning,  I took four sleep aide gel caps, after the night before i took two and had slight dmt effects before going to sleep, and chillled with d mill and therra. Anyways i took four and could not sleep, finally i got to sleep and the only piece of my dream from the night before hit me a little while after i woke up. i was controlling a mechanism, but in the mechanism there was a fan, spinning, to cool a piece of heated coil like a large oven burner, but the side That the fan, and Myself incidentally at the same time, was cooling off the piece of the coil that wasnt even working anymore. i broke off the usual spin axis and broke everything apart, and the hot part of the coil re-melted everything into something brand new, I have been in the same cycle since i graduated high school. fuck. I need something new, and to re establish myself. I am lonely man, but not in a way that is all depressing. i just wish i could have that ongoing conversation with someone, when that conversation turns into an ongoing argument, is it too late? haha for me probably. i need to re desensitze myself, but not to the extent i came from, coming from brooklyn, but to the extent of naive. o man those were the days. my thoughts haunt me, but really they are thoughts of the future, and its not a haunting, but a daunting, daring mission about to take off. life is a mission, im going to accomplish, but this is my first go in cognative memory, and im still fucking shit up. i cannot be around people i care about, because my actions may influence them. this is not something that i would like. also when i am around people i care about i do not feel free, do i care about people who care about the wrong things in me, or the right things in me. i dont really know where i stand with a lot of things. i have played the devils advocate for so long, in a sense, as well as a manipulative hidden agenda. that combined with overwhelming notions of empathy and all Im left with is the fact that I actually know nothing, except for a few things, which are all conundrums. I love to be around the ones i care about, but when i'm around the ones I care about, my life sucks. essentially the way things are set up you need money to survive. to save money means nothing unless you spend it at some point.

dec, 4 2010

i smoke my inspiration, or at least tell myself thats what it is. Im looking for a moderate buzz all the time, its frustrating. cigs, bowls, coffee. anything to change my peaceful calm nature that is vibrant as hell. I have been thinking aout pills a lot lately, which is kind of scaring me. I cannot afford, both financially and mentally, to head down the path I have been headed. that is my dads voice playing in my head. damn this life is crazy. I really would like to walk to south america. I'm not really doing anything else. I also would like to be in school next fall, which may not happen if i walk to south america. do I really need money to do this journey? I don't speak spanish, I will get hungry, I will need to sleep. I do speak spanish, it is very recessive in my deep memory. It does not take a lot to sustain myself. there are fruit trees Im sure. I can sleep where I lie, without money I cannot get robbed. hitchhike. damn that would be an adventure. this will be an adventure. My adventure, my life. Everything that I have worked for in moscow as far as connections are concerned will not go in vaine. I have been working towards the price I am at at this point, but kegan gets a call and has the same shit mail delivered. fuckin A, hmm I wonder. I need to connect him to my people, so that he can tear this town up. this was my business partner in the beginning, he got popped, i kept going strong, i will hand it over to him, and let him finish it out strong. as for me and moscow, we are finished. we have to be. I keep coming back to this place, get sucked in, twirled around, and by the time i leave, my opportunities have re arranged themselves. Its already the end of the first week of december. my how time flies. I would like to know where it all went, then i think back to the countless days doing absolutely nothing productive. this is my down time, when I go, I am going to go hard. there is no half ass after this. It is go time. It wont work out between ****** and I, got so much love for the girl, but when i look at life, i look at two paths, her in it, and me wingin it alone. different places. this should not be the case. I need someone along my side that can help me get to where i need to go. I cannot worry about people I care about when I can not even take care of myself, but then why am I feeling the need to take care of other people? I guess thats where my lack of independence is rooted at, the essential need to help people, but it is I that needs help. monetarily, everything I have is mine, lessons I have learned I own.

Looking back on this, at the beginning of june- I still have yet to leave everything behind and walk for a while. what am I afraid of? I need to do this. I need to learn me better, however, everything I have learned, I do own.

aug 4, 2010

"what is there to say other than the fact that once again, plans have shifted. and while I am not tied down, I have always been in my entire life a continuing cycle of events that lead no where when i try to just go. I end up broke again. this time I'm going to figure out what it is I'm doing. its hard to write in a conversational way, but that's the way I think. i guess its not really even about anything anymore, its hard to determine what it was I was doing before I was selling weed and wanting to be with ****** for a while. but the relationship encompassed what I wanted to be, rather than support along my journey. now look at us. we aren't. which is fine, its difficult at first to realize just how detached i can become, especially when I felt so much. at this point I do not even really find myself that horny. I feel like mushy steel, but at the same time i know there is a girl that will show me what i need to see next. I don't even need a girlfriend right now, but I do need an impartial female perspective into my life. that's what i miss most, is having someone that i know will be there. one thing that goes where I go, is myself, cause wherever I go, there I am. I cannot ever escape myself, and I don't know why I try sometimes, but rather I need to embrace all of my greatness and blow this world out of the water. I am so brilliant, as well as clever and witty. I need to use my intelligence once again, my confidence needs to flow like a stream after melted snow and rain, a river.I am my greatest resource. "

looking back at this entry, from nearly a year ago, I still struggle with similar aspects in my life. I guess I am slightly afraid of the greatness I can actually achieve, or perhaps the failure that may come while pursuing my greatness.

the man- late night thought from awhile ago

Do you know how real shit really becomes? It depends on your situation and perception of it. what really slows you down? are you really trying to get down? or are you simply trying to impress, the people who you know are going to make your life a mess. you don't have to understand it all, to become wrapped up until you fall. understanding how things work, is the way to break free. get away from the message they keep telling you and me. You're not pretty enough, tou too fat or skinny. you dont fit into the mold of the mind that is mini. it wants to learn about what they are doing? Oh no, hide the dough, you know what lets do another round and take their dough, lets keep them at square one, that way we can always be number one. we are the top five percent, holding shit down. its ony a game if your playing it, not making all the rules. what fools. they do not realize that the only way to be free, is to break away completely. If they do not depend on us, for issues regarding right and wrong they will be able to congregate amongst themselves. what about you church, what would happen if people stopped using money. would you be able to stay in biz with that hustle? what if they take general messages about helping mankind and leave the rules and absurdities behind? they are trading amongst themselves, not using banks or money anymore? what about the economy- o yea we screwed that up a long time ago.


they call me the man, im theidea greater than all the population. I get money regardles of situational inflation. supply and demand? I  guess its one cookie jar that has my hand. there there is the system, set up to pay me, its so intricate, but hey not really. when people mess up, according to the laws i created, I get paid. I....

penicillin

chillin like a villian, reaching for my bottle of penicillin, because im infecting people with truth, now they think they illin. happiness, optimism! got to put the work in. you can start to see the fog roll in, its coming in low, thats when you know it is time to go. go get your shit, its simple, be about it. dont stop until its in your hands, you have to travel through many foreign mental lands. everything you see is a reflection of self, be careful og what you put on your priority shelf. dont go chasing the wrong thing, or the bong thing, as those pass the time, they dont take away what you still must grind, only you will know what to find.

shoes

I got many shoes
its not who I am, It;s what I do.
Got my steel toe, and fresh nikes
got mcasual wear, wherever I may go, and the kicks to serve food
whatever it is you need done, I'm your dude.
got to make a dollar, wherever I can,
so i look fly as hell, and be the man.
everywhere I go, there's another pair of shoes to be worn,
ever pair of shoes, has a soul that is born
but who I am is on my way, to be at the top, every single day.
right now im taking it all in, gathering perspective,
the money part is simply an elective.
doesn't reall mean too much to me, only what I need to pay the man,
He seems to be a needy ass dude. doesnt matter, I got it for you.
straight cash, no bank account, come find me bro. I'm not even on the grid.
last you heard from me i was just a kid.
haha thought it was you I owe.
you have it set up, tso that my pockets were always emptynot any more, you can't find me.
i'm producing soldiers, people you cannot control.
we are rising up, we are unifying souls.
you can keeep your paper, o wait, you might catch us up in life,
controllin the way we livin, try to take and think that you should be given.
you should have stopped me while you had the chance.
i'm only getting further way from this control state,
i'm spreading the vibe, not really sure what the message is, in words.
certainly the the positive version of hate.

life slam?

why sometimes does shit have to be so hard, is it so that i can become stronger, more infinite, more large? I am conspiring to be the top dog of equality. we all take up space, its the only thing required by us, the next generation needs to be inspired by us. we create the laws of the future, idea for idea, when one doesn't work, we follow the pictures like a shelf from IKEA. If all the pieces don't fit the way they should, think about everything in your existence that is good.you are the creator of your reality, all will fall inot place through simple manifestation and destiny. follow your heart, it will lead you to be well. The only thing that stands in your way is the ego, created to control, known extremely well by man around us. appearing we're someone we're not. There is a difference between helping others, and existing in their state of mind. look around and inside, you'll be blown away by what you find. not only do things never end on a level smaller than we can comprehend, you go the other way larger and it won't ever end. it will become small again. no one can tell you your place here in existence, we take up space and must strive forward with persistence. we do onto ourselves the things we wish to create, to understand better the piece of the the universe that we take up as. matter. does it matter, will it matter? if you aren't going to see for yourself the world might be flatter. we accept to much to be truth of all, the most true things are the ones that no one says at all.