unreachable.

I am in a world where i am unreachable, except to those I want to reach out to. I exist in a reality where I do not exist. I think, therefor, I am, but how can I prove a thought or a conversation to a dimension that we exist in through a paralell plain. one where our actions here, dictate the responses of other individuals by creating their reality with our response to someone elses series of events that creates this reality we think we exist in. we are all part of one thought process, but we forget at times that the ego is the only thing people think exists when it comes to looking through someone's from our own eyes. the ego is what most people think is real, and if that isnt real, but created because of insecurities and feelings of inferiority, then who is to say that the thoughts we have and the mindset we live in is also real? how do you explain a dream, or a thought. what about anything you have ever bought. none of it matters it comes and goes. the only thing thats for real is happiness through positive implications. intention justifies the action.

what is there to say other than the fact that once again, plans have shifted. and while i am not tied down, i have always been in my entire life a continuing cycle of events that lead no where when i try to just go. i end up broke again. this time im going to figure out what it is i'm doing. its hard to write in a conversational way, but thats the way i think. i guess its not really even about anything anymore, its hard to determine what it was i was doing before i was selling weed and wanting to be with ***n** for a while. but the relationship encompassed what i wanted to be, rather than support along my journey. now look at us. we arent. which is fine, its difficult at first to realize just how detatched i can become, espescially when i felt so much. at this point i do not even really find myself that horny. i feel like mushy steel, but at the same time i know there is a girl that will show me what i need to see next. I dont even need a girlfriend right now, but i do need an impartial female perspective into my life. thats what i miss most, is having someone that i know will be there. one thing that goes where i go, is myself, cause wherever i go, there i am. I cannot ever escape myself, and i dont know why i try sometimes, but rather i need to embrace all of my greatness and blow this world out of the water. I am so brilliant, as well as clever and witty. i need to use my intelligence once again, my confidence needs to flow like a stream after melted snow and rain, a river.I am my greatest resource.


then there is the same timeframe different chapter. the lady, the bitch, and the ho.
the lady, was my lady, taught me the best things about myself and exposed the worst. the bitch, just some bitch, but apparently i felt she needed my dick in her. helped me realize how much i hated sex that was completely empty. and the ho. the herpe ho. why did i jump into that, i should have told my lady sooner, but instead i held it inside, fearing that i gave her a disease that wouldnt go away. it was eating at me , during the best times in our relationship. i even let her suck my dick so that she wouldnt suspect anything wrong, i was a sick fuck, with a head full of the negative disease. she is a vibrant soul, but we dont work because she has no tolerance for my lifestyle, one that i hadnt completely understood why or how it had become created, or why it stayed for so long. which was changed, manipulated and redifined. she helped me to see that it doesnt have to be my job to hook people up. i was being used and abused and people saw me as a manipulator. i was just that. i manipulated the situation to benefit me. but as of lately i've been manipulation free. im callin them as i see them, its one big thing that im stuck in. be real be alive, humanity happens all the time.... i am stronger than any drink i can mix.