dec, 4 2010

i smoke my inspiration, or at least tell myself thats what it is. Im looking for a moderate buzz all the time, its frustrating. cigs, bowls, coffee. anything to change my peaceful calm nature that is vibrant as hell. I have been thinking aout pills a lot lately, which is kind of scaring me. I cannot afford, both financially and mentally, to head down the path I have been headed. that is my dads voice playing in my head. damn this life is crazy. I really would like to walk to south america. I'm not really doing anything else. I also would like to be in school next fall, which may not happen if i walk to south america. do I really need money to do this journey? I don't speak spanish, I will get hungry, I will need to sleep. I do speak spanish, it is very recessive in my deep memory. It does not take a lot to sustain myself. there are fruit trees Im sure. I can sleep where I lie, without money I cannot get robbed. hitchhike. damn that would be an adventure. this will be an adventure. My adventure, my life. Everything that I have worked for in moscow as far as connections are concerned will not go in vaine. I have been working towards the price I am at at this point, but kegan gets a call and has the same shit mail delivered. fuckin A, hmm I wonder. I need to connect him to my people, so that he can tear this town up. this was my business partner in the beginning, he got popped, i kept going strong, i will hand it over to him, and let him finish it out strong. as for me and moscow, we are finished. we have to be. I keep coming back to this place, get sucked in, twirled around, and by the time i leave, my opportunities have re arranged themselves. Its already the end of the first week of december. my how time flies. I would like to know where it all went, then i think back to the countless days doing absolutely nothing productive. this is my down time, when I go, I am going to go hard. there is no half ass after this. It is go time. It wont work out between ****** and I, got so much love for the girl, but when i look at life, i look at two paths, her in it, and me wingin it alone. different places. this should not be the case. I need someone along my side that can help me get to where i need to go. I cannot worry about people I care about when I can not even take care of myself, but then why am I feeling the need to take care of other people? I guess thats where my lack of independence is rooted at, the essential need to help people, but it is I that needs help. monetarily, everything I have is mine, lessons I have learned I own.

Looking back on this, at the beginning of june- I still have yet to leave everything behind and walk for a while. what am I afraid of? I need to do this. I need to learn me better, however, everything I have learned, I do own.